Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
