i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
