apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can you repeat that, but with context?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize