Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
