And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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