Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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