I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
