You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
