I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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