i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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