Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
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Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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