I showed him my bush... on skype.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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