The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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