Someone shit on the floor
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
it was like eating out sand paper
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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