I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
