Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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