I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
