I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
