my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
People in love make me want to vomit
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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