I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
