using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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