my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
