Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
