Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
