Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
