Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
