this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
