i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
