when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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