Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My balls are so social today.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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