i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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