I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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