You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
