I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
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I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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