Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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