Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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