I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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