dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
