i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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