I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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