ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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