I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You are the jesus of drinking
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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