I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
