I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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