i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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