I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
