Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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