I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
