i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
