"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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