i wish there were pregnant emoticons
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
