My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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