This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
