I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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