Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
