I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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