she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
