The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
